Social Nosology: What's wrong with people? (pt.1 Tube Users)

I'm usually quite an easy going kind of chap: (relatively) uncomplicated, (reasonably) laid back, tolerant (of much but by no means all), and I tend to keep myself to myself. But if there's one thing that (currently) gets my blood boiling and causes my eyes to glaze over it's the people that make up the rush hour (human) traffic... in particular the 1st class IDIOT passengers (or 'customers' as TfL likes to call us) that seem exclusively to want to use the same line, tube and carriage that I am on/in.

What in the name of Christ Jesus is wrong with these damned people? Is there some kind of "idiot pill" that I haven't been informed of? Does my 6ft2 stature keep me safe from some act olfactory terrorism in the form of silly-spray that must obviously be being sprayed at about 5ft7?

Seriously, how I have managed to firm it and not turn into some form of savage frothing at the mouth lunatic bumping people out of the way and body slamming these idiots into the side of passing tubes, I shall never know. Ok, perhaps that not totally true. I know full well why: that's not my style. Instead I bite my lip, cuss in every language I speak under my breath and kiss my teeth more times in an hour than I think I've kissed my mother in 26 years!

I understand that the tube network can be complicated, or daunting for the freshly arrived in London. I understand that everyone has to get somewhere by a certain time and that we can't all get along in peace and harmony... but shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. What's wrong with people?

In the past 4 weeks I have seen, heard, experienced, felt and been a party to a whole gamut of moments where a lesser person would have just started punching people into next week. Today for example, and this might seem rather petty on my part but it was the end of the day and I had long stopped being in the mood, but some STUPID STUPID - that's STUPID pronounced //sht-ch-oo-pid// woman (in a very nice fuscia pink summer dress) thought it would be a good idea to walk BACKWARDS along a crowded platform INTO oncoming human traffic at Victoria Station. As she bumped into the man coming around the corner she spun 180 degrees smacking half the immediate population upside the head and upper torsos with her bags and then had the audacity to push up her face at us, US?! I mean... really?! REALLY?!

While I'm at it...

ESCALATOR ETIQUETTEWhat is SO COMPLICATED about the instructions "Please Stand on the Right"?! Every couple of feet (distance measurement, not the bodily extremity) there's even a little sign reminding you in case you've forgotten since the previous one. And ok, let's pretend you don't speak English. Providing you have managed to retain the gift of sight beyond birth surely you can see for yourself what is going on around you. It almost feels as if their thought process develops thus: People stand on the right and don't move anywhere.
People on the left seem to insist on walking up/down. Maybe I should ignore what every other person is doing and just stand in the middle with one bag to the right of me on the step above, and the other bag to the left of me on the step below.

PERSPIRATION
In the age of the 99p Store, the £Shop and Iceland, there is NO EXCUSE to be stinking up the place. And knowing full well that they are far from being pleasantly fragrant, they still have the cheek to be raising their arms for the bar above? Permitting their personal perfume (eau de soap-dodger) to permeate the atmosphere, whilst simultaneously rubbing sweat-soaked items of clothing up against you without even pretending to feel shame?! What's wrong with people?!


I could go on, but nothing good would come of it. I'll just end it there...